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Friday, February 29, 2008

I Just Wanna Cry

12:30pm couldn't come fast enough today. Both girls are down and I finally have some down time to myself. It's been a really rough morning :( (read more)

4 comments:

Trish D said...

I so wish that I could drive over right now and help out! I soooooo hear you on this - and can't say I've got it all worked out. I will say that this stage with two VERY young ones who still need so very much from you is particularly draining, and it does get better. But I also know that even when you know that in your head, it doesn't make the day-to-day routines any less exhausting.

Two children *might* be the size for you - I'd always said that i wanted four, but two is feeling very complete (I guess we just have small quivers :) Why do you think that you should have more - is it because you are comparing yourself to other moms who manage large families? I think that it's very easy to get caught up within that crazy thing in our Christian "culture."

I am praying for you - that you can find physical and emotional rest. Here are few thoughts that I've blogged about:
http://couchcushions.blogspot.com/2007/08/grass-withers-and-flowers-fall-but-word.html
http://couchcushions.blogspot.com/2007/03/one-of-those-weeks.html
And one that I was just rereading for myself as far as being a godly wife http://couchcushions.blogspot.com/2007/04/three-secrets-that-victoria-will-never.html

And finally, obviously you should do your best as as wife and mother. But that's ALL you can do - and anything beyond that is Satan working his guilt magic. And remember that there are fallen people on all sides of the equation. I'm not trying to excuse anyone's behavior here, but the fact is that NONE of us is perfect. And even God, the perfect father, had rebellious children.

I was recently reading Eph 6:10-20 and thinking about how that relates to my current position. We are to arm ourselves so that we can STAND FIRM - not fight. Psalm 37 is another great passage. Don't know how much all my words can help, but I can promise prayer, which I know is way better than any hollow words of consolation.

Bren said...

I REALLY hesitate to give any advice here. I will however share a few things I have learned in the last 25 years being a mother. YEARS ago, (I remember it VERY clearly, as I have been scolded by God only a few time outright) I was sitting on my garage crying out to the Lord. My husband worked LONG hours and was never home. I had a young teenager who was deciding he wanted to be more independent than he ahould be, and a boy who was having over 100 seizures a day. I felt very bad for myself and rightfully so!! I cryied out to God and begged, "Lord, why am I married to HIM? He is never here to help me and when he is here he is in front of the tv or working in the garage. Can't you change him Lord?" Here is what I heard CLEARLY..."I did not give your husband to you so that he could meet your needs. I gave YOU to your husband so you could meet his needs. Do that, and I YOUR GOD will meet YOUR needs." Whoa! I was blown away. Now I could have thrown a temper tantrum, but it wasen't the "meet HIS needs" part that stuck in me...it was the I YOU GOD will meet your needs." So I quit complaining and did what the Lord asked (with a happy heart)...He DID meet my needs...guess how? Through my husband, who ALL OF A SUDDEN began to step in where I needed him.
Another thing that I have found out in my own walk as a mother, this second time around, is that I have been stuck in this "role" of mother/wife. I lost myself and in essence have been robbing my family of ME. Sure they have a mom and a wife, but they really like ME better. Just be you! Look at yourself in the mirror several times a day and say "Hi_________, you are a great person. I love being you!" Not mom or wife...but woman, person, spirit and soul. Don't lose yourself. When our kids are little like yours are right now, we become what everyone else needs us to be with out even noticing it. Mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister...DON"T lose yourself.
I guess that did all sound like advice...please don't take it that way. I was just sharing my own experiences. I am praying for you....Trish is right, it will get better as the girls get older.

Anonymous said...

Welllllllllll, I too hesitate to give advice because I know that everyone has their faults, even in my household. But I know that you are desparate for some help or inspiration and I'll try my best to encourage you and give you ideas. I just do want to say that I think you do too much of everything and you are going to get overwhelmed and worn out and you won't even realize it. The kids are at an age that they need you more and it does get easier as they are older but they are both of yours. Your job is just as hard (or even harder) as your husbands and it shouldn't stop when he comes in the door. Thankfully my MIL trained my husband because he does more than I ever expected. He's a better mom that I am sometimes because he doesn't lose patience as easily and eveyrthing does seem calmer and easy for him. If it's hard he never shows it. :) Sometimes I don't like that because it makes me feel like I'm not "as good" but everyone has different personalities. He doesn't have the hormones or anxiety issues that I had/have. You are still breastfeeding and so that takes up your energy from you and when you don't get enough rest or peace in the house it can make you get upset. I am talking from experience.

I see you say you wake up with your dh to send him off to work. Do you actually cook/prepare breakfast and make his lunch then? My husband would get that before I had children (8yrs) but when they came along he wanted me to sleep in instead because he knew I'd be getting up to the baby cry in an hour or so. He leaves the house at 520am (to start at 6am) and so if I can sleep until 7am that is heaven to me and he was considerate of that. Yes I wanted to get up and write notes in his lunch before he left or wave goodbye to him but he felt it was more important for me to stay sleeping as much as I can. He makes his lunch by making a quick sandwhich or packing leftovers and everything is right there for him to grab or he can make it the night before if he wants to (or you can if you still want to help with lunch). For breakfast, he eats a bowl of cereal during the week and so he does that himself. He is very quiet in the morning so not to wake anyone up and he has done that for 13 1/2 yrs (the being quiet).

The finances & taxes stuff, he takes care of because he's better at it and enjoys doing it. That is fine with me since that would take up more of my time that I can be taking care of the house, cooking, crafting or dishes, or whatever. He does most of the bill paying online and so there's no envelopes or using postage stamps.

Ironing, my husband does all of it. (Thankfully) His mom taught him to iron when he was still living at home (he was 26 when he got married) and he does a better job on his work shirts than I do so he took it over which is a great help to me. I do all the wash and whatever needs ironing I put aside for him. He does it while watching a show on tv at night. He also does wash and folds if he sees it piled up and I didn't get around to it.

He makes me be a better wife and mom by doing that help and so I can't complain. That is so much better than buying me roses or diamonds (even though both are nice-LOL).

I used to get mad when my husband would go golf a few times in the Summer and I was being selfish because I just had the kids for 6 days straight and looking forward to the "day off". He'd go golf a 18 hold or 9 hole course and that would take 4 or 5 hrs with his brother. Then when he comes home he would take a nap for another 2 hours because he's so tired from that and from work all week. I felt like the whole day (Saturday or Monday ) was wasted that he really wasn't home for us. I sometimes would set up my day thinking negative that he wouldn't be there. Then I think of all the days that he is working hard at work and around the house to fix things and make things and play with the kids as soon as he walks in the door that if I can't give him that time that is not being a good wife. I also get free time when I need it if I asked. I go out sometimes after the boys are in bed to food shop and I can take my time and that is fun for me. I also make my haircut appointment before bedtime and the salon closes and he is a big help that I don't have to do bedtime and just leave then so I won't be home late at night. I could go on and on but I hope that these couple days you came up with a good plan to spread out some things and change chores around. We help eachother out too where my husband usually takes out the trash and back in when empty but if I know he'll be home late I'll go and bring the cans in the garage.

In Pursuit of His Call said...

I'm going to leave a combined response for all who left encouraging comments on this post...

Trish and Bren - The main issue I was reminded of and encouraged to do by your responses is to remember the OBJECT of my faith, who is Christ and His work. Sometimes I get caught up in the daily grind and I completely forget that my faith rests in Christ and His work. Then, when I am blinded like that, I start to get caught up in the works of faith and start depending on my own strength. Trish, I liked your question in one of your posts, "Whose power am I leaning on?" I think that's the problem I've been having, I've been wanting to depend on my strength and even my husband's strength rather than depending on the ONE who truly has the power to overcome anything. Bren, you really helped me realign my thoughts about my role as a wife with your experience and the lesson God taught you, "I did not give your husband to you so that he could meet your needs. I gave YOU to your husband so you could meet his needs. Do that, and I YOUR GOD will meet YOUR needs." God did create woman to be man's helpmate and we are to be obedient to our role as helpmates, trusting that, YES, God will give us all that we need to do His will. I liked the reminder to do it with a happy heart and Trish, you make such a good point in another post that if our husbands see us pouting he will surely notice us bearing the fruits of the spirit.

Lastly, what I learned from my Anonymous reader is that I need to ask for help. Unfortunately, DearHubby is not the house keeping type of person and so he doesn't see things when they're out of place. When he was a bachelor there would be piles and piles of trash overflowing before it was taken out, he never put away washed laundry, etc...Therefore, what I consider a mess may not necessarily be a mess to DearHubby and so he doesn't know when his help is needed around the house or with the girls. He is always telling me that when ever I need help I should ask him. I often get angry because I often think that DearHubby should be considerate enough to help me without me having to ask for it. I also often feel guilty for asking for help thinking that I am taking away valuable time from DearHubby's projects. Maybe the change in attitude I should have is that if I really need help, to humble myself and ask for it. If I don't ask for help, then I shouldn't get angry because I didn't ask for help when DearHubby is always telling me that I should ask for help when I need it.

Thanks for everyone's response. It was all very encouraging!!!