Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Feeling Anxious

Anxious: Uneasy and apprehensive about an uncertain event or matter (definition from www.thefreedictionary.com)

I haven't seen my DearFriend Y from Japan for 4 years. As a result, I have been feeling very anxious about her visit. I know that I should keep my Mission Statement in mind and remember that I want my home to be a place of refuge that brings love, peace, and joy, but somehow, in the back of my mind, but now in the forefront of it, I have been feeling like I need to have a perfectly clean home and that everything just has to be perfectly planned. So, I've got our whole visit planned and I've been wanting to clean like crazy. Not that a clean house has anything to do with who we are on the inside, but "fearful" me believes that outer appearances matter and "prideful" me believes that if an outer appearance looks good, then the inner appearance must be as good too.

My anxiety or fear is stemming from feeling like our family will be under the spot light. I see DearFriend Y as a very godly woman. She is single and desires a family. I remember when I was single and spent time visiting families, I always paid close attention to how their family was run so that I could learn about raising a godly family. I feel like I just haven't figured it out yet and I guess I'm afraid of disappointing DearFriend Y. As a result, I've been trying to make our outer appearance "look" godly.

A clean house is not bad and I myself love a clean house, but if getting to a clean house compromises my attitude and I am mean towards my family, then a clean house should not be worth all that.

I am also feeling a bit stressed because it looks like we'll be celebrating DearDaughter2's birthday alone today. DearDaughter1 contracted Hand-Foot-and-Mouth Disease. It is a contagious virus and I know that I will need to call off hanging out with DearDaughter2's little friend after Build A Bear. We then had another family scheduled to come by for Cold Stone's cake after dinner, but I just called and left a message to inform them about DearDaughter1's condition and I am expecting them to call back and cancel.

Lastly, because of DearDaughter1's condition, I am expecting that I will need to stay home from church again on Sunday. It's been almost a month since I've been to a church service. My first missed Sunday we were on the road from Illinois. DearHubby and I were working in the Nursery the second Sunday I missed church. Then, this past Sunday, I stayed home from church because DearDaughter2 was sick and we didn't want her to give her cold to the other babies. I wouldn't want to pass on DearDaughter1's virus to another toddler, either, and so I am expecting that I will be staying home again. Then, the Sunday after, I am back in the Nursery.

All this anxiety doesn't seem very big compared to other people's issues like a lost job or grave illness, so why am I feeling this way?

I've typed the lyrics to "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" before, but this is a hymn I often like to think of when I am feeling like this...I guess I should heed the hymn's advice and take it to the Lord in prayer...

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.


Julie said...

I am keeping you in my prayers. I know exactly how you feel as I am very anxious lately. I know it has a lot to do with the new baby coming soon and all that I want and need to accomplish. I love this song, by the way! It is one of my favorites. My Mama used to rock me to sleep with it! :o) And, I do the same for my girls. It is such a peaceful serene song.

And, wow, coldstone creamery! My fave place for ice cream! And Build a Bear, too! You are wonderful at Birthdays; my girls would love you! :o)

Have a wonderful week and try not to stress so much. I will be praying!


Trish D said...

My two cents? I think that it's very important to be "real" with your friend. A clean house is certainly not the most vital part of a family, PARTICULARLY when the children are so young. We need to be honest and admit that this is a hard job, and sometimes things aren't done the way we'd like but we have to choose what's most important and focus on those things. I think that *THAT* is providing a real glimpse into motherhood...

I'm sorry you won't be able to share the "special" day with anyone, but I promise she won't mind if you celebrate a week late :) In fact, I don't think we've celebrated our son's birthday on time for the last three years, as hubby has been away on business trips, so we just celebrate when we're able.

On the church issue, could hubby stay home with the girls while you go to service? Not ideal, but you have to do what you have to do.

I love the words to that hymn as well. I know I am often bearing "needless pain" because I'm not turning it all over. Another favorite is 'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus. Such true, true words.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Bren said...

I understand completely how you are feeling. I felt the same way when Niki was coming. I had to have everything perfect. Well that would have meant getting rid of my family first!!! In the end, the house was not spotless, the kids were not the best behaved (Zach had 2 meltdowns while they were here) and guess what??? We had the BEST time!!! Relax. Besides if she is "looking" to see what having a family is like, you don't want to con her into a falsehood. Let her see what it is REALLY like....she is coming to see YOU! Enjoy her time there!
Sorry your baby is sick. I would just focus on doing what you can and leave the rest to God. Listen to a church service online until you can get back into church.

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