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Monday, January 28, 2008

A Little Discouraged

I am feeling a bit discouraged today, but I hope I get over it soon, as I have much to do.

Rather than getting into all the details as to why I am discouraged I'll just describe how I am feeling...I am feeling like such a failure as a mommy and a wife...I guess now would be the best time to go to the Lord with these feelings...

It's just been such a difficult and challenging time for me and all I want to do is take a complete break from everything else and just focus on my family so that I can start to learn how to get things "right". I know we're not called to be perfect parents, but my sins of impatience and anger just reveals the work that needs to be done and I really believe that the ministry God is calling me to right now is my family...

Perhaps my conscience feels guilty, but I feel like I am expected to do more...

There are many mommies out there who teach Sunday School and are highly involved in church ministries...There are mommies out there who juggle work and their household well...

Because I didn't have a good role model growing up of how a mommy should raise her children, I am finding motherhood a true challenge. There are some mommies out there where loving their children just comes naturally to them and they are having a lot of fun. My parents didn't spend much time with my sister and I and I grew up in a home where we never knew whether our parents loved us or not. We were just taken care of with the essentials like food, clothing, and a roof atop our heads, but my parents were gone when I woke up in the morning and they were still gone when I came home from school. We were never allowed out of the house and so most of our time, my sister and I were in front of the TV...In addition, my parents never said "I love you" to us growing up. The first time I heard those words said to me was towards the end of my college career. I was taken aback and didn't know how to respond. For the longest time, I couldn't say those words back to my parents. It wasn't until I met my DearHubby that he encouraged me to tell my parents I loved them back. Saying it the first time was so difficult and I think I cried. I didn't even say "I love you", but "we love you" and actually that is what my mom says too, "we love you". Anyway, all that to say that my sister and I were pretty alienated from my parents and I grew up not knowing what good child-rearing looked like and there's a lot that I want to change between how DearHubby and I parent and how my parents parented. Yet, these changes have been difficult because I find that I "naturally" respond the way my parents did and it really is taking a lot of work to respond differently. In addition, if I desire to shepherd my children's heart according to God's Word, then I need to depend and trust in Him more and also allow His Spirit to work in me...My relationship with Him also needs to be right.

I just see this huge task in front of me and I really think that I just need time to completely focus on this task.

So, why do I feel like I need to do more? Why do I feel like people expect me to be involved in church? Am I wrong to not get involved at this time?

Well, both girls are up and I haven't done my devotions yet...I should have gone to the Lord first rather than babble my thoughts here...Perhaps, that's what the Lord was trying to tell me...

3 comments:

Trish D said...

I will definitely continue to pray for you. There is NO such thing as a perfect wife/mother - we just have to do the best we can for our family. And yes, it's very hard when so many others outside of our family have their own sets of expectations. I know I'm constantly working to find that balance, and have recently announced that I'll be stepping back from a few of my church responsbilities. I also struggle with caring more about what others (specifically church members) think than my husband; this was a revelation to me as I never considered myself particularly proud. But yes, I was working more on the projects that the dreaded "others" see as opposed to our family's priorities.

And I also understand about not having good role models growing up. My parents are Christians and did tell us that they loved us, but there are many other issues. We were at church virtually every time the doors were unlocked, but there really wasn't any discussion of our faith at home. My parents are very legalistic, and generally when we were in trouble we were admonished with phrases such as, "What will people think?" My mother in particular is extremely selfish, and quite honestly just doesn't think of others (although she considers herself a very kind woman). I've had a real struggle with this - it's one thing to be that way when you're single, but once a husband and then children enter the picture it's very different. "Looking out for #1" is NOT going to make for a happy family :)

Each family is so very different, and it's really up to you and your husband as to what the important things are. And let me encourage you that at least for me, it does settle into a bit of a rhythm as the children get older. I wouldn't say it's easier, but the challenges change. But as our children require less attention to their physical needs (feeding themselves, potty trained so no longer needing diapers, etc) I do have a bit more time. But it's still exhausting emotionally/mentally as I try to answer inquisitive questions, direct boundless energy, and shape rebellious attitudes.

Not really sure if I'm encouraging you or not, but I just want you to know that you're NOT alone. Continue to read your Bible and pray - even if it's just in three minute increments throughout your day. I make it a point to let the kids see what I'm doing, though, as I want them to understand the importance of knowing and seeking the Lord. They even have their own preschool Bible, and like to look at their pictures while Mommy reads hers. I've also started to try to have a prayer time with them for five minutes or so sometime in the morning. I don't want it associated with meals, and once again I want them to see that it's important. HTH!

Bren said...

First of all you ARE a wonderful mommy and wife. If you were not, then you would not be questioning yourself!!! There is nothing wrong with setting things aside and focusing on your family. During this time in your children's life (they are so little) is when you should be stepping back from other obligations...teaching Sunday School, community jobs, anything that pulls your time from your family. Stress and feeling inadaquate are normal during these years. Trish is right...your kids will get older and require less of your time...then you will sit back and feel discouraged because dd#1 doesn't need you to pick out her clothes and help her get dressed and dd#2 will feed herself her breakfast. Once things get to where your kids do not need your time as much then you start to spread yourself. They are only this little for a while. Play with them and relax. THAT is your job right now. Prioritize...God, Husband, Kids, Home, Church/ministries, everything else. You ARE doing that...and doing it well. Breathe deep!!!

Missy said...

I just found your blog through a list of blogs on The Christian Woman's website (www.thechristianwoman.com). This particular post just tugged at something within me and I had to leave you with encouragement and my thoughts. You sound like you are a very loving and committed mommy and wife. You are seeking God in your daily life and it shows through your writing! This entry, the part about your parents' relationship with you and that affecting how you parent or WANT to parent...wow...so much of that is my story...my parents are Christians, but faith isn't the forefront of their lives, it's there but not the loving relationship that God wants with us....something more rigid, legalistic like you wrote of. I don't feel extremely emotionally close to mine either, yet, I do know they love me. They now live 8 hours away, which makes it all the more difficult...Thankfully I have a Heavenly Father whose love I am just BEGINNING to grasp!!! (I've been a Christian since I was a little girl, but every day with Him is more amazing!) SO, hang in there...feel free to look me up (I blog on Xanga) at TheHoffmanZoo.

God bless you this weekend! You're an inspiration!
--Missy