It's been a confusing week. DearHubby has been home since last Thursday. He was diagnosed with Pneumonia, but hadn't felt any better at the beginning of the week, after 2 weeks of being on antibiotics. He got more blood tests done on Tuesday and a C-T Scan yesterday. He has an appointment with a pulminologist today to see if he is able to give DearHubby more answers. Then, a few days ago, not only was he struggling with breathing, but he also started struggling with pains in his stomach.
Part of me is afraid that I will lose a husband at such a young age. There have been many sudden deaths lately and we know of at least 3 people who have passed away quickly. One of them was 27 years old and he left behind a wife who was pregnant with their first. When I think about losing DearHubby I realize how much I do love him.
Yet, another part of me is angry because DearHubby is OFTEN sick and it is the sick husband that is difficult to love. It is the well husband that I fear losing, but the sick husband, I do not like and wish would go away. So, I often think back to our wedding vows and am learning much about the "and in sickness and in health" part. It's a true practice of AGAPE love, the kind where you freely give but should not expect and do not necessarily receive anything in return. So, I'm angry because it's hard loving a sick spouse for the very reason that a sick spouse doesn't necessarily have the energy to physically express love back...and I'm upset because this anger stems from my selfishness. I've been so cold towards DearHubby just because it's been difficult for me to express my love to him while he's sick, but the part of me that fears often says "Well, what if this is your last chance to let him know you love him?"
The Christian life is so hard, isn't it? There's always a battle waging inside between your desire to please God and the flesh. It makes it all the more difficult when I've been away from the Word for awhile. I was hoping to do some reading this morning before the girls got up and I got up earlier than what I have been this past week just to do so. Well, the girls got up earlier too and I got very frustrated. Just Satan trying to thwart the plan of finding my peace and refuge in God. So, after ending here, I am hoping to grab my sword and may God help me reach it!