I've been in a pit. I'm not sure why I feel like this and I often wonder if it has something to do with hormones. Nonetheless, I've been really discontent with everything and very angry (angry at my husband, at my children, and I think most of all at God). I'm discontent because life hasn't been the rosy picture I painted in my mind about my family. It's been hard. Though DearHubby doesn't have a second job and he comes home right after work, I don't really see him at all. He leaves for work at 5:30am and then he's out working on our house renovation until 9pm or sometimes even past 11pm. Since DearHubby is not around, I feel like taking care of this family and home is all on my shoulders. Though on the outside it looks like I have it all together, I don't. Since I feel all of this weight on my shoulders, I am easily overwhelmed and frustrated and I take it out a lot on DearDaughter. Poor Little One...I am angry, especially at God, because I know this is His plan and I don't like it. So, it's been hard for me to study his Word and pray and mean it in my heart. I am so ashamed of how I've been lately, like Adam in the Garden of Eden, where I just want to hide from God because I know what I ought to be doing, finding my joy and leaning more and trusting more in Him, but instead I continue on in this sin of discontentment and anger, and I'm trying to do it all on my own strength, even in finding happiness.
The one thing that I have hope in is that we are His and that's a promise that cannot be broken. I don't know how long my brokened spirit will last, but I know that He is faithful to keep me because through what He's done in Christ Jesus, I am His.
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:1-8 NIV)