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Monday, August 20, 2007

Being Honest...

It's been a hard week and a half and there are days, like today, where I just want to curl up in a corner, cry, and then just go to sleep...There have been some rough times with the girls and I have to be honest and say that during those times I have thought "I don't want to do this anymore...I don't want to be a mom...It's too hard."

What's made it hard for me is the unpredictability and inconsistency of DearDaughter2 and the quick development and growing defiance of DearDaughter1. I've had such a hard time establishing a routine with DearDaughter2. She is very inconsistent with her sleep patterns and cries often. As a result, I am often spending time with DearDaughter2, either trying to put her to sleep or comforting her. In addition, I am also breast-feeding, which takes about 30 minutes at each feeding. This leaves very little time for DearDaughter1 and the TV has become a friend and a babysitter. I know I should set DearDaughter1 up with an activity but DearDaughter1 has "mastered" many of the toys she has and they don't keep her occupied for very long...It takes time to find an activity that will keep DearDaughter1's attention and some times I just don't have that time...So, most of my time with her is telling her to wait or telling her "No". As "pay back", DearDaughter1 has heard the word "No" from me so many times that it has become her favorite word to say back to me also.

The result of all this is frustration on my part. I mostly get frustrated because I spend most of my day juggling between the two girls and it's hard for me to get anything else done. For example, it's been such a rough night and morning that I am still walking around with bedhead in my nursing tank and it's already 1:40pm. The only reason I can sit for this amount of time to even write this post is because I am typing while DearDaughter2 is sleeping in my arms (Yet another example of her inconsistency...Some days she sleeps fine in her cradle while other days she's waking up every 5 minutes if I set her down??? I've tried the 10-15 minute rule where I don't pick her up until after 10-15 minutes to give her time to settle back down but that just wakes her up even more...What to do, what to do...) We are out of goods and I should be making up my grocery list right now so that when DearDaughter1 gets up from her nap, we could just go out the door to do some grocery shopping and then try to make it back in time for DearDaughter2's feeding and our meal delivery...Tonight is the last meal we'll be receiving and I have to try to add cooking to my day...There are unwashed dishes on the counter, laundry to be folded, toys all over the floor to be picked up, a moldy toilet to be cleaned, 2 bathrooms to be tidied, more laundry to be washed and dried, paperwork to sort through, bills to pay...Then, I need to prepare the house a little because at the end of the week my in-laws will be with us...I haven't been able to depend too much on DearHubby because he's been occupied with house renovation preps, visiting and encouraging a colleague with cancer (who just passed this Saturday), and earning some extra money on the side...This week he'll be even busier...So, I've felt really tired because of the lack of sleep and on top that I have to persevere through the day with the girls while trying to figure out how to fit other stuff in between...Yeah, I am a bit edgy...

Well, I think I've been honest enough...While I still have an opportunity, let me get started on that grocery list...

4 comments:

Bren said...

oh my heart goes out to you! I do so remember those days. All I can say is it WILL get better. Just hang in there and make sure you take a nap when the dd's are down. Your hormones are trying to get back to normal too so remember knowledge is power. If you know what it is, it is not as bad. ;) With how you are feeling this all sounds so very trite. I am sorry...I am praying for you. You are a GREAT mom!!!

Trish D said...

I *DEFINITELY* remember those days. It's so easy to be overwhelmed, as those simple tasks can mount up so quickly. I wish I were closer so I could just drop by and help out. I know it seems bleak right now, but it does get better. I'm continuing to pray for you!!

Jenn said...

Oh, I too wish I could be there to clean your toilet and hold a baby while you shower! It may not sound too hopeful yet, but by the time #2 is three months old, you'll have most of your life back to normal. My mom goave me some great advice and that was to take care of the oldest to the youngest - meaning me first. I could handle the day so much better if I let the baby cry for 10 min. to shower.

As for hubby, I commend you for being a great and understanding wife - I'm glad your head recognizes he's trying to take care of his family. Your heart will follow! I'll be praying for rest and renewed sense of strength!

Anonymous said...

Oh I remember those days and sometimes have those days now (minus bfing and crying baby). Just take a deep breath and know that it'll last a short time. the house may not be in order but that's OK. Jenn had great advice to take care of the oldest to youngest because the baby won't get hurt by a little crying and it might help them get used to soothing herself as she is older and you do the "crying-it-out" stuff. :)

I do live close to you but don't want to add 2 more children to the mix. I would love to help out with a meal when your inlaws leave (unless they don't cook and I can bring one while they are there?). I also would love to help out with just keeping your daugther company and entertainment while you do some chores unless you don't mind me cleaning the bathroom. I did mine at 8pm tonight which is right next to little ones room and he came out of his room twice to check out why all the noise. Ughhhh! Each day will be better for you once you are on a routine. I promise this won't last forever. Love you and praying for strength for you. Please don't feel bad to call me if you need me. I know how it is when you don't want to ask for help or not have family close by and you just feel like crying. Here's my shoulder to lean on (or sleep on). It was great to see you on sunday. You look great and hope she gets on a schedule that works for your family.

One more thing, your daughter #2 won't be damaged, hurt or sad by you saying "no" or to "wait". I promise you will have so much time to make it up to her. Look at my ds#1, he's perfectly fine now and he had to wait so many times. He just turned 2 when my 2nd one was born. I can share stories later of how i coped.